PART 1
I didn't quite have the Paul on the road to Damascus type of conversion. There was no blinding light or vision of Jesus speaking to me, however the events leading up to my conversion experience were equally as powerful because I am now a new person transformed by the blood that was shed on Calvary!
Growing up, my family rarely attended church. In fact, the first time I ever set foot in a church service, aside from attending memorial services or wedding ceremonies, was in the sixth grade while visiting my cousin one weekend in Arlington, Texas. However, I did not start attending church regularly until my sophomore year in high school because my parents usually worked many hours in order to provide for the family.
During my senior year, as preparations for graduation began to take place, one of my closest friends at the time surrendered his life to Christ. Soon afterwards, he began talking to me about God and going through scripture with me throughout the week. He showed me key biblical principles and the type of life a person who is saved would live. At first when he began talking to me, I found it very difficult to listen to him or what he was saying, even though he would support whatever he said with scripture. One reason for this was because I did not yet have a change of heart which comes through genuine repentance. Light (Christ) cannot dwell where there is darkness. The only friend that I had known the longest and had the most respect for was being transparent and honest with me, yet I did not want to hear the truth from him. Accepting the fact that I was still a sinner who needed a savior was hard for me. I was ready to go far away to live the college life.
Throughout the week, after having a lot of time to think, I examined myself and realized that I had made God fit my own standards instead of living up to His because I was the one defining what exactly was "appropriate" or crossing the line. The best way to look at it is to think of little kids. They will try to find every way possible to break the rules without actually breaking it from their point of view. For example, you tell your son to stop poking his little sister. In his mind, it means I can put my finger as close to her as possible still without touching her which is the same thing we do with God. I simply thought that it was enough for me to pray, read the bible, and go to church once a week, but once again I was proven wrong. It is not by anything we can do in our own power to earn salvation or good status with God because all of our “good works” are like filthy rags before the Holy King.
Shortly afterwards, I began to separate myself from anything and everyone in my life that was not constructive for me spiritually and I started spending more time studying the Bible, wanting to find answers to the questions I had running through my mind. The more I studied the word of God, the more I began to realize that not only was I not a true Christian or saved. Rather, I discovered how empty and depraved I felt inside the more I looked into the Bible and began to realize the consequences for the type of lifestyle I was living. It was as if a heavy burden began to build up inside my heart as I learned more about the truth.
Later, as the week progressed, I began to seek the Lord wholeheartedly in prayer daily until he answered me. I had a moment when I felt an indescribable and immense amount love in my heart being poured out from Him to the point I found myself crying again on several occasions. Not because I felt burdened this time, but because for the first time in my entire life; I felt so much joy, love, and peace from within. The Lord was touching my heart, healing, and revealing His unconditional love for me as His presence came upon me for the next 3 days during prayer. Being surrounded in His Holy presence, I felt so unworthy and unclean to stand before such a Holy God. I was overwhelmed by His presence because prior to that encounter and still even to this day, I have not experienced anything that compares to it. At the time, I did not know what the Baptism of the Holy Spirit was nor did I seek it. All I inquired from Him was confirmation on how to know that I am truly saved because I had "given my life to Christ" as some would call it, several times in the past. My life has turned completely around! I no longer desire, whatsoever, to do any of the things that I once did. Instead, I have new desires to know God, seek His will, and live up to His standards of which only came after my salvation. I do not want to just simply claim it, but obey God’s word and apply it in my life, an application which is easier now than it was before.
Through this experience, I learned peoples lifestyles and actions can reveal whether or not Jesus is a part of their life because you will know a person by their “fruit.” Although people may judge based on what they see on the external, God looks directly at the heart. I also learned how authentic salvation brings forth a changed life. For a long time, I thought that I was saved, yet I still continued to live exactly the same lifestyle, and there was no transformation that took place in my life, although I noticed the hand of God at work in my life from my youth in the midst of all my brokenness. With this new desire in my heart, I want to be a witness for Christ to others wherever I go, even if it means being an outcast. It is better to be loved by God than to be loved by the world. This experience is important to me because now I see things differently than before with open eyes. I finally understand the meaning of the lyrics: “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me; I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.” As a girl who was once lost in this world, I found my place in Christ and growing in my relationship to know Him. The Lord has delivered me from so many things: worries, past insecurities, hurt, and pain. With the unfailing love Christ had for me, He healed my broken heart and covered my wounds. He gave me new strength to overcome and endure whatever I may encounter, so He is forever to be praised. God is a healer, deliverer, comforter, protector, and provider…my Redeemer!
It is true, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." However, not everything that may seem “truthful” is the actual truth. Only one person is “the way, the truth, and the life” and His word. Although most of the friends I once had disappeared or grew distant from me because of our different priorities, so many new Christians have come into my life recently and are helping to assist me in my growth.
Regardless, in the end, even if there’s no one left; I know God will still be there.
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I realize I am absolutely NOTHING without Jesus in my life! I wonder why it took me so long to realize that? Now, I can’t imagine not spending my day living for him in any or every way I possibly could. People have their many different interpretations of what it means to be a Christian or “Christianity”. I realize now that a lot of those interpretations are distorted, because we rationalize so much and try making the Lord fit OUR standards instead of living up to HIS and practicing what he actually teaches.
I wish I could tell all of you the things God has brought me through, and I will soon: even when I didn't realize it at the moment, as I look back at my past I know that God was guiding me, strengthening me, teaching me and protecting me throughout all those situations where I thought that he was so far away, even though at one point; I was the one running away from him, and it makes me love him even more because of his mercy. Why Jesus loves us so much I will never understand. The sad part is He died for me, and no amount of Praises or Thank-You’s in the WORLD would ever be ENOUGH for the price He paid. Because He gave His life, my life has absolutely no meaning!
I used to spend most of my time worrying about tomorrow, or the career that I will have in the future because I had no clue or much of an idea what I wanted to do for a living…or if that occupation I had would pay me enough to get me some of the frivolous things the world has to offer. I was so lost in this world and worrying about the now and letting myself become messed up in several areas instead of focusing on who should have been the most important person in my life.
I would compartmentalize God, which is, if I were to cut a slice of pie, the slice that God had was not the smallest, but certainly wasn't the biggest of which it should have been. I put several things before Him: friends, relationships, T.V, desires, and many more. I never knew who God really was, and to this day I still can't say that I truly know Him the way I want to even though I desire to seek Him in every way I can.
I know now that I had to surrender my life to Jesus…not a piece of me ALL of me and to put my total trust and faith in Him: He has complete control of all situations no matter what. I still don’t know what God’s will is for me...but I’m not the slightest bit worried as I once was because I know He is guiding me every step of the way. No other man can truly have my heart, because no other man can possibly love me as the Lord does.
My heart now sings a brand new tune. He has filled my heart with so much love, peace, and joy which continues to grow everyday to the point I want to show that same love in return to others that I meet. I found myself not too long ago just filled with an immense amount of joy in my heart that I started to cry. As tears were rolling down my face I had time to reflect and look back at something’s in my life, and I couldn't recall a single moment where I felt that much genuine happiness in my heart and it is ALL because of God.♥
*One thing I am certain, He CAN transform lives-but it all begins with genuine repentance and putting your absolute faith in Him!
